The time of a moment

THE TIME OF

A MOMENT

The time of a heart beat, my eyes blink
I feel your chest against my back
Your arms embracing me
Your head resting on the curve of my neck
Like it was meant to be

The time of a whisper, my ear tickles
I hear your words gently caressing my soul
You, breathing so slowly, taking my breath away
In the silence, you tease out the answers off my lips
Like there was no need of air or words between us

The time of a breath, my chest quivers
I sense the world revolves
Your fingers grabbing mine
You set the cornerstone of our crossing roads
Like written in the lines of our intertwined hands

The time of a blink of an eye, my heart skips a beat
I can see it, fluttering butterfly
Your eyelashes kissing my flushed cheek
In the wind, you hold on to me for an instant
And just like that, time stops
As this moment flies by us

Zili

Are you happy, baby girl?

Are you happy, baby girl?

Yes, I…

The wind blew away my answer
An innocent question, a spontaneous answer
Why is there always an after
An afterthought?

Why can’t happiness be plain and simple?
Why did it have to be tainted by sadness?
Why as I smile, I feel this wave slamming on my chest?
The salty splash thrown at my eyes?

I am so happy now
and I am crying for that
I know this happiness is passing by

Enjoy the present moment
A smile geniously born from the instant
A heart wide open
To be wounded

I was told I would get used to it

And I slapped away the helping hand
Of that shiny armored knight
That approached my troubled soul
I didn’t want it!
I don’t want to get used to it!

At work, it became a second nature
Hidden behind a white armor
My weak heart only points its head from time to time
When another heart calls out to mine
Otherwise, it stays in its ivory tower
Above the swirls of the professional human interactions

But at home
I don’t want to protect that heart
I want to feel it all
The joy, the sadness
The unknown feelings, the familiar ones

Let me taste all of it
See all its flavors
Breathe in its colors
Let me try to grab more that I can hold
Let me live the life that I need
With its wounds and its flowers

A child laughs of joy without regret
Embracing the moment of reunion
And cries without retention
At the moment of separation

But the adult me lives it all at the same time
The moment I opened the door to happiness
Sadness also came in

Bitter sweet
Do adults develop a taste for it?

I brace myself
Inspire
And open my arms wide
Breathe in the flow that is coming at me

In that flying present: Yes, I am happy

Zili

Broken glass

 

In a depthless loneliness
A piece of glass penetrated my hard shell
Creating its way through the flesh

I am lost
In a tear
Sea?…
See?

In a thorned
Maelstrom
Stony storm
I can’t find my way
I have a broken glass inside of me

I breathe
The darkness

An empty glass
A window deforming everything
Filled up with torn sea drops

Eyes closed, I can see
I run my finger on its border
So sharp
Like a rose

Fragile
Too much
I want to destroy it
Crush it until it becomes part of me
A piece of me was sent astray
A piece of sand was incrusted in me

And I bled
To death
The nightmare
Slept till unconscious
Wavering between reality and fiction

Ashamed of my weakness
I covered my wound
Lay over lies
Daydreams
Dreamed of days

Go

Through it

Truth

Wake up
Drenched in salty water
Out of breath

A fragile glass
Cracked
My hard shield
I thought I would never survive
I am broken, I cried, I lied, I died…
And I live through it
A pearl inside of me

Lulu

 

 

 

Pictures references:

http://aquasixio.deviantart.com/gallery/

http://paigebradley.com/video.php?vid=2

Written song: the melody of poesy

Listening to an unconnected earphone… (1)

I love poesy

You love music

 

You love songs and melody

I love words and lyrics

 

Every time you tell me: listen, this song, it’s beautiful.

I ask: what story is it telling?

 

You told me music can touch your heart directly

I tell you songs carry a meaning to my heart so clearly

 

Two sides of a mirror

Facing ups and downs

Can the reflexions touch each other?

Or will there be a gap
Like two strangers speaking a different language?
Like a wind and a wood instrument?
Like the two corners of a smile?

 

Poesy wasn’t meant to stay on paper, but to fly away

From a mouth to an ear

From a spirit to a heart

To be heard

To be said

To be sung

To let the music carry away its meaning

Beyond the words, beyond the notes

 

A melody is born

 

That day, I decided to become a songwriter

So that music can spread stories and poesy

Pass the limits of language barriers

A bottle thrown in the ocean

A shooting star in the dark galaxy

A message to you from me

 

Will you heart it?

 Zili

 

Ref: (1) Hye Mi and Jin Guk from musical drama Dream High, Photo Credit: eunjo@tumblr, extract from https://wwlyna.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/scene-1-the-comfort-of-silence/

Love in the imperfect tense / Amour à l’imparfait

“Love is the most difficult verb to conjugate; its past is never simple; its present is always imperfect; and the future, always unconditional”

 

Love in the imperfect tense

“Imperfect” comes from the Latin imperfectus “unfinished”, because the imperfect expresses an ongoing, uncompleted action.  The imperfect is a verb form, […] which combines past tense (reference to a past time) and imperfective aspect (reference to a continuing or repeated event or state), Wikipedia.

 

I forgot why

I had been loving you

Past perfect

Dis- continuous

So mad, so sad

So hurt

So heart full

That it was unheard of

 

I loved you

Simple

Past

When our intertwined relationship wasn’t intrinsic complicated

You can’t understand this amalgam

I can’t explain this macrame

 

I was loving you

Past

Progressive

From the days we exchanged truths

To the day we fight

To get there

Together

To gather

Us

 

I had loved you

Past

Perfect

Our lips exchanged words without a sound

My body against yours

I could feel your heart beating with mine

 

 

Past Past Past

 

Present Perfect Progressive

I have been loving you

Despite me

I hate you

Despite you

Despite your incomprehensive incomprehension

 

Continuously progressive

I have loved you

In the only way I know

Continuously present

I am loving you

All the way

 

I remember now

I remember why

I love you

Simple

Present

You are imperfect

But no matter in what verb tense I get

You always teach me a new way of love

 

Zili

was terribly mad with her beloved, but…

 

 

A year to become an adult

The child asks:

When do you become an adult?

18 year old? 22? 25? 30? Is there an age limit?

How do you become an adult?

Is it an age? an exam? a recognition? a responsibility?

 

What is an adult?
bigger child? an older human? a powerful being? a complicated existence?

Why become an adult?

Is it good? Is it a choice? Is it inevitable? Is it life?

… Is it something that “you will understand when you grow up”?

… And what happen if I don’t understand?

… And what happen if I wake up one morning and I’m an adult and I don’t know what to do?

… What will happen if I don’t know why, how, when I am becoming an adult?

 

How old am I?

I am more old than enough to be considered in the eyes of society to “have the power to make your own decision and be held responsible for it”. I am biologically more old than enough to be considered “a mature human being, able to procreate”.

Anyone looking at me will have no doubt that

I Am

All that I can be

To be an “Adult”.

 

But am I

I, in my own eyes?

 

Enough with the game of mind, with the game of words, with theses adult and child games.

I game myself

I gamble myself

I gave myself

A year to become an adult

 

I think, from the height of my short life experience, that I should be the one deciding when I become an adult in my own eyes, which is the most important matter, but that nobody will ever ask. I am the victim, I am the beneficiary, I am the judge.

I am

who I am

who I decide to be

Come

The present is here.

___________________________

 

One year. That’s what I decided. This year. Not any before, not any after. This one.

Before I step in society as I consider myself as an adult.

It is not that I had never left my home before and live in society responsibly, driving, earning a salary, making my own decisions.

But the first time I left my natal home, I went to live with my beloved. Some people might say it might have been crazy or inappropriate, but for me, it was a somehow difficult but natural transition. He is the one I want to build a family with, so… I needed to know, I needed to live.

I really felt a break when I left my parents nest and suddenly open my wings to the wind. Suddenly, the sky opened up. Wide open. Unpredictable. Wonderful. The endless night sky, the limitless sunrise.

 

But in this blinding light to color up, I wasn’t by myself. Someone was by my side. Someone stronger than me, someone weaker than me, someone with who I could struggle and share our victories. For a few blessed years, during which “you” and “I” grew into “we”.

Then due to work, and for himself, and for the… will, the future we, he had to leave.

 

Alone.

I was…

I…

I couldn’t take the emptiness echoing his voice.

Our home wasn’t built for loneliness.

 

Life called up other priorities and I couldn’t resist the temptation to go back home to find my peers again.

I’m grateful I was given that chance again.

I’m grateful I made the most out of this once in a lifetime chance

Once more.

.

But now, I need to face check myself. Reality. My reality.

Otherwise, I won’t be able to face the future standing on my own.

So this year, I left.

One last year to finalize my professional formation, to create my professional self.

To game myself.

All alone, in a foreign country, a foreign city, no one here to call friend or family.

365 days.

Can I survive?

Am I strong enough now?

To defined myself

So loudly that the echo will answer back to me

And fill up the voids

I can feel the wind caressing my wings, the scary sole sky calling again.

 

Alone.

I am…

I…

I am terrified

Terrifyingly excited

To uphold this challenge

So I can move on with life
So I moved

So I move

I told judging society that I needed to go see the world and become better, that my professional life will gain from this experience.

I told beloved family that I needed to go see the world and become better, that my familial life will gain from this experience.

And I told myself that I needed to go see the world, inside and out of myself once more. Once more, to take the fall and open my wings again, even if there is a tornado or an air-hole awaiting at the next instant. And become a better me. So that my life will intertwine my dreams and my destiny. 

One year.

To become an adult.

 

If you ask me

?

My will wild answers: “know now knot not”

 

In plain English human language:

As an inexperienced adult, too mature to still look at her surrounding with naive eyes,

As a child, not old enough to not look at life with wonder eyes.

I still don’t know what is an adult.

Maybe an adult is

Someone who can face

One self

And

Turn around to face reality

Knowing

Oneself.

 

I ponder like Socrates: I know, I know nothing.

But I give myself one year

To find the answer.

To find my answer.

Zili

A reason to love

Discussion around a cup of water… A reason to love

 

 

 

 

 

I always thought that love to be sustainable needs to be rational.

Love at first sight, passionate love, love without reason… make the best novels and dramas, but they just can’t find their place in my reality.

A sparkle, a fire, a volcano… Nothing can be constantly burning.

 

The first time you told me about your love, you said it was like a river. It was just there, freely flowing.

I hope, one day, the river will reach the ocean.

 

Maybe that’s why sometimes, you precipitate rains in me, without even knowing. Sometimes, it’s a gentle rain. Sometimes, thunderstorms are making the world tremble and a torrent pushes everything away, pulls everything with its flows. Sometimes, it’s a mist, sometimes a rainbow.

 

A rational love, for the stable foundation of a new world. Water for life to flourish in it. But a reason for this world to exist?

You never said why you loved me.

And I never asked you.

Until that day.

 

They say that adversary and struggles make you stronger. Face it as a team. Step out of your comfort zone. So I don’t know where I am going as I force my way through that door, to that part of your mind as I need to share my own with you.

Will our world survive the crash between these two universes?

 

You tell me you can control your mind. You can convince yourself of mostly anything if you set on mind on it. Like a man can die of cold, while stuck in an unplugged freezer. Like a man can convince himself that he loves someone for a reason. A reason made up by his mind. A reason that could change as the mind changes his ideas.

So where does your mind start, and where does your heart live?

 

Do you have a reason to love me?

 

As I ask the question, I would have thought the world would tremble on its bases. But no, it simply freezes, and I can hear a drop of water falling, slowly falling, in the distance.

Its resonances in the air it crosses.

I am walking on air.

I’m lacking air suddenly.

 

Do you have a reason to love me?

 

What happen to all my rationality? Why suddenly it was important for me to know there was no logic behind the smile, no brilliant construction behind the action, no plan with a definitive goal in mind behind the story.

 

I thought about it. In all possible situations, I tested it. Whether you were there or not, when I come back home or leave, whether you prepared dinner or not. Why you, and not someone else? 

 

Drip.

I feel the ripples, this single drop of water causes on the immobile lack.

I feel its terribly cold, electric shock running along my spine .

 

I don’t see you as a friend. I don’t see you as a roommate. I don’t see you as a sister. 

I eliminated all the possible reasons my mind could find to love you.

 

Drop.

 

And still… I want you by my side. 

 

 

Once more, your illogical response, from deep within your irrational heart, make my rational world feels right again.

 

Zili